McCain's America: Day Thirty-One

Yes, technically, the posts should stop at day 30, but my vacation didn't so I must press on.

Too tired to go into the annual Holloway Holiday Drama. Photos must suffice (although they don't really tell the story...).

McCain's America: Day Twenty-Two

Today, Jackson and his classmates had a little Mommy (or Daddy) and Me time decorating gingerbread houses (which turned out to be graham crackers cleverly glued to wee milk cartons). Being an old pro, I pitched in to help.

Afterwards, we took Jackson to a much-hyped visit to "The Real Santa." Supposedly, the place has been operating for something like 35 years. When we pulled up in the parking lot it occurred to me that they've been using the same sad DIY props (possibly hand-painted by prisoners) the whole time. Perhaps I'm spoiled having seen one too many Christmas Villages at hoity toity malls. But I digress.

How it supposedly works ********spoiler alert*********** is that the parent slips away to a secret booth and feeds pertinent info (kid's name, what they're getting from santa, etc.) to an intermediary who then passes this on to Santa who is wearing an earpiece. Thus, Santa KNOWS YOUR NAME (emphasis courtesy of Jenna).

Well, it was a pretty good idea in theory. But anyone who’s ever played the game “Telephone” will likely guess how this turned out.

Jackson and I are waiting our turn at the bottom of the steps as a couple of annoyingly skeptical kids try and trip Santa up. He seems to hold his own and eventually they leave. And then..."Jackson?" Santa calls. Jackson beams as we make our way up the steps. And then…

Jenna: Tell Jackson Santa gave him his DVD player early so he’ll have it when he goes to Pa Paw’s house.

Intermediary: He’s going to get a DVD player when he goes to his grandpa’s house.

Jenna: Pa Paw’s house! And Santa already gave him the DVD player.

Intermediary: Santa gave him the DVD player at his grandpa’s house.

Santa: There’s a DVD player at grandpa’s house.

Jackson: Stunned silence.

Then they try it again:

Jenna: Ask him about his cats, Tigger and Pooh.

Intermediary: Ask him about his cats, Tigger and Two.

Jenna: Pooh! Tigger and Pooh!

Intermediary: Tigger and Pooh.

Santa: I’m bringing cats to Grandpa’s house. Tigger and Two.

Jackson: Stunned silence.

I got the distinct impression Santa might be drunk. And not to judge on appearances, but he did look sorta creepy. I also did not find him particularly jolly.

I hurriedly snapped a few pictures, feeling fairly certain they would not end up on Jenna’s Christmas card (and I was right). As a parting gift, Jackson got an armadillo Beanie Baby. I have to admit that beats the candy cane I used to get back in the day.

McCain's America: Day Twenty-One

I’ve always loved my nephew Jackson, but I must admit that I love him more than ever now that he’s four and capable of carrying on an actual conversation. I warned Jenna before birth that I don’t talk to babies on the phone. However, since my mom adored listening to the googlings of a six month old, Jenna figured I should, too. Sigh.

These days, I love chatting with him and playing imaginary games. I love that he’s a fireman one minute, a cop the next, and a lion five seconds later. I had forgotten how easy it is to be whoever, whatever you want to be when you’re four.

Today I played “Mom” to his “Dad.” We have a five-year-old boy named “Buddy” and a new girl baby called (conveniently enough) “Baby.” We played (imaginary) basketball while Buddy cheered us on from the stands. If you’ve never heard a four year old imitating a five year old, it’s particularly hilarious.

He’s declared his bedroom the “Junk” room and likes to take me in there and show me all the toys he and I used to play with “when we were kids.”

By the time 3 o’clock “quiet time” comes, I am seriously ready for a nap.

Tonight he was less adorable while trying to decide what to have for dinner. Jenna ran through the options for him about ten times, interspersed with him running off to the bedroom to cry. But once he finally settled on a Kid’s Cuisine, he was back to normal again.

He popped into my room to chat with me at around 11:30 p.m. Not sure how he’ll manage to drag himself up in the morning to go to “school,” but at least he might get a decent nap tomorrow.

McCain's America: Day Twenty

Went to the mega-church again today. I was highly amused when I noticed this sign as the tram pulled up to the entrance.

Oddly, my sister does not think it strange to ride a tram to church. I asked if she didn’t find it just a little absurd and she got offended thinking I was mocking her church.

She goes on to tell me that her mother-in-law was offended by the fact that mega-church has a coffee bar. Especially when someone sitting near them got up in the middle of service for a refill.

Like I said, I’m glad my sister loves her church. It’s just not for me. I’m sure she would enjoy mocking the hideous décor of my church. Everybody does.

After church, Jackson got to play in the “Adventureland” playroom. I must say I would have LURVED to happen upon a place like that when I was four. Lots of stuff to climb on, etc. Think of McDonald’s playland on steroids. Jenna went inside to chat with her friend Tricia while Jackson played. I had to stay a fair distance away. I can’t tolerate too many children in public. Every time I think I might want to have a kid, I go to the mall and am immediately cured.

We had lunch with one of Jenna’s friends and then set off to deliver Christmas gifts for the family Jenna’s small group had adopted. We stopped to pick up Shawn from work so he could help Jenna’s friend Melanie navigate. After turning around about three or four times, we finally found the place.

We hauled a huge pile of presents in, met the mother and one of the kids, and after another false turn or two headed home.

At dinner Jenna brings up the fact that the family’s flat-screen was bigger than theirs, which eventually evolved into a conversation about income taxes. Shawn and I were saying that a lot of times it seems that people treat their income tax return as though it were free money. Jenna said she’d rather pay too much in and get a big return than end up with a bill in April. Shawn and I tried to explain the lunacy of giving an interest-free loan to the government, but she stuck to her guns. We had to call the argument a draw.
Though Shawn and I agree that we are right.

McCain's America: Day Eighteen

80's party.
Yes, I karaoked.

p.s. I got my entire outfit at goodwill for less than $25. Whee!

McCain's America: Day Seventeen

Had a project due by noon today (technically 2 p.m. since the time change gives me an automatic extension) so I figured I’d get an early start. About 10 minutes into the ad, Jackson shows up at the door wearing a pair of jeans over his new overalls. By way of explanation, he says that he has to have the jeans because the overalls don’t have a place to hold his tools. (His imaginary tools, I might add.)

He tells me he’s building a “goat run” for his goat named Giddy. (Also imaginary) We talk briefly about his various construction projects and he darts off to get me my very own hardhat (or makeshift hardhat. It’s actually a fireman’s hat from his Halloween costume).

I’m torn by my need to work and my desire to look at life from the perspective of a four year old. But Jenna beckons him for the long-awaited decorating of the Christmas tree and my work ethic once again kicks in.

Later, when Jenna and I are eating lunch (or some semblance thereof), we watch in horror as the Christmas tree makes a somewhat graceful descent to the floor. (I should note that her cat Tigger makes himself scarce, seeing as he accidentally knocked her tree over one year and has yet to live it down…)

She starts freaking out, especially when she notices that Jackson’s first ornament is broken. I do my best to calm her down and we commence to undecorating the tree and vacuuming pine needles with the shop vac since her oreck is on the blink.

Jackson emerged from his nap in a most foul mood. He and Jenna were in the living room and the conversation went something like this: Jenna: “Hand me that Target receipt. I need it.” Jackson: “I’m throwing this away. You don’t need it. I’m throwing it away. I’m throwing it away. You don’t need it.” Jenna: no response. Jackson: “I’m throwing this away. You don’t need it.” Jenna: no response. After about five minutes, I go in and try to lighten the mood by threatening to shoot him. A look of amusement crosses his face, but he decides he wants to stay grumpy and proceeds to hit me with the lid of the garbage can. Jenna sends him to time out.

Every few minutes he sneaks back in the room, but when Jenna tells him he has to apologize to me, he hightails it back to his room again. At some point he starts crying, very dramatically. If there was ever any doubt, which there wasn’t, he is absolutely my sister’s son. He hasn’t yet started crying more loudly every five minutes till somebody comes to fetch him, but I’m sure he will…

Tonight we started watching Law and Order at around 6:30 and finally made it to the end of the episode around 10:15. Sigh.

McCain's America: Day Sixteen

This was, by far, my best day in McCain’s America so far.

This morning, I helped Jenna finish preparing gift bags for her client luncheon. It’s always a good day when I can pretend to be crafty before noon.

Jenna left around 11:00 and Jackson and I had the whole afternoon to play. We played vampires/ghosts/zombies, blew bubbles, arrested some bad guys, took some (imaginary) coffee and donut breaks, and killed each other many times over.

We finally broke for lunch around 2:30 and watched a show called (I believe) Fairly Goodparents. I declare it far superior to Sponge Bob, which I can barely stomach.

Jenna came home and while she and Jackson napped, I had a chance to catch up on some work.

When Shawn came home, he told me that Jackson had said he had the BEST time with me today. Grin.

Tonight we got to talking about leaving Santa cookies and milk and how Jackson needed to make a list for Santa. Jackson said that if he didn’t make a list, Santa might bring him ashes. Shawn and I jumped in on it and started naming things Santa might bring, along the lines of 1. A can of green beans 2. One sock 3. A dead plant 4. A couple of rocks. It quickly degenerated into 1. A lunchbox full of moldy food 2. A pair of used underwear 3. A Kleenex that someone had already blown their nose in. We decided to declare Jackson a winner when he came up with “A dog that has four paws but only three legs.” Who could top that?

After Jackson and Shawn had gone to bed Jenna and I roundaboutly googled onto this interview with the “Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqEap-HT2Wo Apparently, he’s some wrestling (or wrastling as he calls it) promoter. He rambles on and on and goes nowhere. At one point, he compares his upstart wrastling circuit with the WWF by saying “they’re that big ol outback steakhouse. We’re that lil ol bitty waffle house. But just remember the waffle house is open 24 hours a day!” WTF?

The best comment though is not by Jimmy Hart, but the interviewer Dameon Nelson. Jimmy waxes nostalgic on Andy Kaufman saying “he loved wrastling, and he loved talking about Elvis Presley.” And Dameon goes “uhonhuh.” (His interpretation of Elvis) Ok, it doesn’t really translate when I’m typing it. But click on the clip and scroll to 4:30 and you’ll see what I mean. We replayed it about ten times and doubled over laughing each time. Maybe it was late or maybe we just have a bizarro sense of humor, but we thought it hysterical. A fantabulous ending to a fantabulous day.

p.s. I can’t believe I almost forgot the best part. My sister’s lost about 30 pounds so all her clothes are super loose. Tonight she was walking into the kitchen and her pants fell down! I am still laughing.