adventures in internet dating

my friend scott, having recently broken off a very long-term relationship, is now trying internet dating. he's had a go at several sites, one which he promptly dropped when he found his ex on it, but has settled, i think, on e-harmony. now i have personal issues with e-harmony which i won't go into, but i also have problems with its way of matching people. like i need a personals site to arrange a romance for me. just let me look at the damn profiles and pick for myself. i have a much better idea of what i want than some random computer program. e-harmony constantly hooked me up with lawyers and software engineers when all i want are writers and musicians. but maybe e-harmony knows i'm broke and was looking out for my best interest.

i ended up on yahoo personals where after countless bad dates i finally changed my profile to say exactly who i was looking for: creative types who could make me laugh. and if they didn't read, that was a deal breaker. there was more, but that was the gist of it.

so then i got more of what i was actually looking for. funny how that works. and the last boy who wrote to me is the one i'm living with now. so these things work out sometimes.

but when they don't...it can be anything from boring to excrutiating.

scott says, i'm surprised how often people lie on these sites. oh yeah, they lie. they almost always lie.

first off, you can count on men being two inches shorter than they claim to be. across the board. and the pictures? people will drag up the absolute best picture they can possibly find. always. sometimes it's from MANY years ago. and if you only see a guy in a hat in his pictures, you can bet he's bald.

oh, and here's one of the biggest lies. some of these people are already in relationships, and they're just looking for a little something extra to spice up their life. They have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, so unless you're sure, you need to ask.

here's a tip for seattle women. if you're going on a date, bring money. for some reason, men here have a thing against picking up the tab. i don't know if they think we're liberated or if they're just totally cheap, but you can't expect a guy to buy you dinner or even coffee.

i mean, there were so many times i met a guy in a coffeehouse and showed up after he'd already gotten his coffee, and he didn't offer to pay for mine. if i'd asked somebody on a date, even a coffeehouse date, i'd have gotten their coffee. but that's not such a huge deal. then there was dutch treat bob.

first off, bob was one of those people whose photos did not match the bob of today. it didn't even look remotely like the same person. strike one.

we met to play pool and bob brought his own cue, except he didn't know how to play. seriously, he wasn't any better than me and i pretty much suck. BUT THEN he tries to give me pointers, probably so he can touch my hands. i'm highly annoyed by pointers, especially when they come from someone who doesn't know what they're doing. well we finally finish maybe two games of pool which takes FOREVER because we both play so badly. then bob wants me to go to dinner. i really don't know why i agreed. maybe i was hungry. who knows? but i say yes. so he suggests thai or pho and since i don't know what pho is, i go with thai. (as an aside, i am glad i like thai food because almost every guy i went out with wanted to go for thai.)

i didn't know any thai places in the area and, of course, bob didn't because he was from issaquah, so i suggested going to a place near my house that's good. said he could follow me over there. normally, i would park at my house and walk, but i didn't want bob to know where i lived, so i parked near the restaurant. bob can't find a spot, so i have to get in his car and help him look for parking. when i get in, i don't put the seatbelt on because we are going maybe a block, but bob says, i'm going to have to insist that you put the seatbelt on. what is he, my mother?

so we get parked and walk to the restaurant and he tries to HOLD MY HAND! i tell him he's being too presumptuous and take my hand back. so we get to the restaurant and over dinner he regales me with tales of how smart he is (he's in mensa) and how poor he was growing up. blah blah blah. so the bill comes and he says, can i ask you to pick up your half this time? And i'm thinking, WHAT? i've never been asked to pick up a tab for a date. never. (coffee thing notwithstanding.) so i go, ok. he tells me my half is about ten bucks, so i fork it over. i notice he also snags both andes mints from the tip tray. greedy bastard.

so then we head back to the car and he tries to hold my hand again. i don't remember how i got out of that one. but then when we get to my car, he TRIES TO KISS ME. so i turn and give him cheek. then get in my car and leave. quickly. and make sure i'm not followed.

the next day i get an email from him saying what a great time he had and how he'd like to see me again. i'm thinking, was he on the same date that i was on? so i wrote him back and said that i thought he was nice but i wasn't feeling a connection and thought we should "nip it in the bud." i actually used those words. but i thought it was much better than what guys do which is dissappear and never call you again. i thought it best to just tell the truth. well, actually, to be kind. he probably wouldn't have liked it if i'd told him what i really thought.

i guess if he reads this he'll know. but then what are the chances?